New Beginnings

The last 6 months of living with the people I have has given me a lot of experiences and allowed me to learn more about myself than living on my own did. I have taken those experiences into mind and have realized the changes I want to make for myself to better my life and thus make me a better friend and family member.

My lease is up in 10 days. Ten days. I am excited and terrified but I am keeping my chin up because I know in the end, everything will be okay and I will maintain the life I want eventually. I will be couch surfing with an old friend who is letting me bring my kitties and boxes. From there, I will get my student loans and be able to get my own housing. I'm quite excited to be living on my own again soon. I have missed having my own space and I think I might get it right this time. I'm hoping to have my own place above a shop somewhere in the short north, with hardwood floors and white walls. I'm trying to not get too ahead of myself, but it is less than a month away til I am back in school and am on my own again. It's the best birthday present I could give myself and the kitty cats!

I have been focusing on reading more and involving myself with local issues & the news. I have been reading about the raw food diet and will most likely be starting my own when I move into my place! I'll be purchasing a dehydrator to make fruit leather, and I might even try my hands at canning! I can't wait.

I'll also be on a hunt for the perfect desk at a local thrift shop so I can set up my own crafting station. I think due to lack of space and inspiration, I haven't really had a spot to designate for crafts- thus I never keep with them. That's going to change soon!

I'm off to go watch Mean Girls with my friend Brian. A bit old, but it is his first time seeing it! I'll do my best not to quote it the entire time! :)

Today, I am 21

Alright so my birthday ended 54 minutes ago, but still. I've had a bottle of wine and half a beer and I feel good. I had a terrible hangover yesterday that lasted all day. I could barely move. That's what you get when you drink on an empty stomach, lesson learned. I wasn't going to drink today but I saw a champagne glass at robot house and decided on some wine from the gas station. And since I knew the dudes, I wasn't even carded. Cool.

Steve came into town for my birthday and a long weekend. We went out to Dirty Franks and got so stuffed on food. I'm debating going out to the car and getting the left over cheddar & chili dog fries. Random fact I've learned from watching video games being played: Beer bellies doesn't come from the actual beer. The foam makes you hungry and thus the beer belly comes from having the munchies. Thank you, Catherine.

I am applying for a few new jobs tomorrow and I'm quite excited to be leaving the fast food industry. Alas, I do not fall into the 1 in 7 american people who've worked at McDonalds, but it's time I leave. I loved my job to death when I started because it was a company I believed in but I'd been screwed over too many times there and I can't deal with it. I'm going to miss the extra dollar or two an hour for dealing with drunks, but it's still not worth it.

I spent a portion of last night crying. I've been sad again even though I'm on my second month of antidepressants, but I feel the dosage needs upped or I need to be put on something else. My suicidal thoughts have definitely increased but on the other side I know better than to do it and have achieved enough control over my thoughts and actions to calm down and keep my emotions in check after a few minutes. However, the bursts of my anxiety and anger are 20x more and I wish I can find some way to vent my anger without a fist hitting the wall or me yelling.

I took sleeping pills and took a shower and then went to bed. My sleep has been terrible lately and when I do, I have nightmares. I took 4 tylenol PMs the other night and ate a lazy cake brownie with melatonin and valerian root and it still took me 2 hours to stop my brain and fall asleep.

I'm going to Columbus State to talk to someone about all I have left to do. I'm so lost and confused on how to get back into school and I can't focus on a god damn website explaining the loan process. We'll be going tomorrow and I'm excited to finally make it happen. I wanted to so badly last year but I had so much crap going on... I don't want that to happen again. I need to be in school.

Well, that's my life lately. Over and out.