Goodbyes

Today is day two of my new path of sobriety from alcohol. I'm laying in bed hating on myself because since I was up late last night, I can't sleep now. So I guess this is still day one?

I made this decision after ignoring my conscious for a while about my drinking. I hadn't really drank anywhere near as much as I did earlier this year in a while... and well, the holiday nerves got to me. Too much Yeungling and red wine. The next morning, a lot of tears and a talk with Jackson's mom helped me make this decision.

I'm sitting (laying) here thinking about this and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to do this. I have the odds against me. I have alcoholism in my genes. Almost all my friendships were formed through times of drinking. But I also think of all the stupid things I have done and the stupid things I've witnessed from alcohol and how much hurt it puts on others and myself, and I just can't do it anymore right now. Not while I don't have a handle on myself.

I see the future I could possibly have for myself, and I want it so badly.

Any hoot,

I am setting myself up some goals. Let's think of it as me getting a head start on my 'resolution' for the new year.

1. Regularly attend therapy as I see needed so I can get my mind in order. I need to let go of a lot of things and be at peace from my past.
2. Take my meds as scheduled. Not drinking enables them to work fully with minimal side-effects. And of course, it's just retarded for me to drink on these meds as I had been doing.
3. Go to Al-anon meetings regularly and also attend AA when I am having a hard time with my own personal struggle.
4. Write out a daily to-do list. As soon as I get up.
5. Also, keep a dream journal and practice more for lucidity so I can start having more awesome dreams.
6. Re-connect with a trumpet.
7. Return to the music scene of Columbus. I want to start regularly going to shows again, sober. It's going to be really really uncomfortable for me but whatever.
8. Start writing again, a whole lot. Reading, too. More me-time like I used to have.
9. Coffee.

I am writing this after a long few days. I'm tired but I can't sleep. It's 4:30 AM.

I've closed and opened the laptop twice already since that last sentence. It's 5:07 am now. Still can't sleep. Researching fasting. Reading past blogs of my favorite people. Thinking positive things.

I don't know if it's me withdrawing from alcohol or just my natural stupid sleep schedule, but I really can't sleep. I'll have a nap today. Oh, and I'm researching alternative sleep schedules that people have done.

I am also wanting to say that I will be no longer posting on this blog. Yeah yeah, I know. I've said it before. But I have a clear vision of how I want my sobriety journey to go, and I still will be blogging, but elsewhere. I'm not posting the link. People close to me will know about it, but I am truly in a place where I can't be honest anymore about my feelings in knowing who reads this blog. It's been this way for a while now, well over a year. It's so unhealthy and I'd much rather continue to blog w/ another platform openly and honestly on this journey than keep it bottled in again. I'm starting therapy this week, though. I might come back.

I love you.

Oh Amy Amy

Amy Winehouse is an inspiration and a lesson to me. I keep flooding my tumblr with photos and listening to her voice because she truly was a great artist in the sense that she was honest with herself. Her lyrics show a great sense of both vulnerability and strength. This is something so admirable to me, as I have been conditioned to be ashamed of my own thoughts. 

The lesson to be learned is that addiction is a disease. It can knock down the lives of those around the addict. Mine has been affected by alcoholism in more ways than I can count. I struggle every day to forgive and every now and then I still slip up and make it personal again, even though I don’t want to. Amy is a reminder that someone with such a burden on her shoulders and tendencies of lashing out can still have some sort of good impact on this world.  Amy is helping me learn to forgive.

If you need help, get help. Recognize when you can’t handle the load anymore and let out your SOS call. It is an admirable trait to be strong enough to want to deal with something on your own, but it is a great loss when the attempts aren’t successful. I’ve lost a friend to suicide recently because of this. I almost was gone because of this. It’s everywhere… you’re not alone. 

A Song For You

I've been so many places in my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme

I've acted out my love in stages

With ten thousand people watching

But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be

I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see

There's no one more important to me

Darlin' can't you please see through me

Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing

You came out in front and I was hiding

But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together

Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine

And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing

You came out in front and I was hiding

But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together

Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine

And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

We were alone and I was singing this song for you 

Amy Winehouse is covering this on her new record and rumor has it that she gets really emotional while singing this. It's so fitting, I can't wait to hear it.
Lioness: Hidden Treasures comes out on 12/6.

Self-worth

When I was growing up, I was on a ton of medications and regularly went to therapy. If my parents couldn't handle me (which I was a handful) I would be taken back to my therapist to be re-evaluated and it would need an immediate medicinal fix. Standards were set too high for me.

"Standards" can mean many things. I may act like a normal person, but my thoughts aren't normal. That's reflected in my ability to do things. I'm smart and I know I am, but I can't communicate properly or be social for too long. I have a hard time being in groups of friends. This was a bad thing to my parents, that I could only have one friend. They pointed it out all the time. To prove my parents wrong, I would invite over a few girls for birthday parties or I would go through my yearbook and count all the people I considered my friend. What kind of parent tells their kid that they don't have any friends? This makes me burst into tears at just the thought.

The first instance that comes to mind of when I was a doormat in a social setting was in debate. I was ignored by the other kids typically. I found a key fact of information for our side of the debate, and someone else took it. I just sat there. I felt like I was only in debate because I was in gifted & talented classes and my mother wanted to flaunt her learning-disability kid's smartness. I was afraid. I wanted friends, so I let it go. I wanted to be liked but instead I was walked all over.

I have had mentally-destructive situations around me my whole life. I'm finally in a position where I am ready to learn who I really am, and embrace it. I'm researching self-esteem boosting exercises, self-hypnosis, and making other changes to improve my own life. I'm still terrified of other people and their opinions, which is why they are going to be kept to a minimum. If you don't have anything positive to say to me right now, please just keep it to yourself.

I am ready to let go and move on. It's going to take a while, but my journey really does need to begin here. And it will. I'm 21 and I barely know myself or let myself live. I'm high-strung and bitchy to almost everyone. I think everyone is putting me on. I'm unable to show affection or praise without feeling like the other person will think I'm bullshitting them. This needs to change or I will never ever have healthy relationships.

I downloaded a self-hypnosis thing earlier. I'm going to listen to it soon, when I am heading to bed. I will listen to it tomorrow when I start meditating again. The healing process has started and I am super ready to love myself.