Goodbyes

Today is day two of my new path of sobriety from alcohol. I'm laying in bed hating on myself because since I was up late last night, I can't sleep now. So I guess this is still day one?

I made this decision after ignoring my conscious for a while about my drinking. I hadn't really drank anywhere near as much as I did earlier this year in a while... and well, the holiday nerves got to me. Too much Yeungling and red wine. The next morning, a lot of tears and a talk with Jackson's mom helped me make this decision.

I'm sitting (laying) here thinking about this and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to do this. I have the odds against me. I have alcoholism in my genes. Almost all my friendships were formed through times of drinking. But I also think of all the stupid things I have done and the stupid things I've witnessed from alcohol and how much hurt it puts on others and myself, and I just can't do it anymore right now. Not while I don't have a handle on myself.

I see the future I could possibly have for myself, and I want it so badly.

Any hoot,

I am setting myself up some goals. Let's think of it as me getting a head start on my 'resolution' for the new year.

1. Regularly attend therapy as I see needed so I can get my mind in order. I need to let go of a lot of things and be at peace from my past.
2. Take my meds as scheduled. Not drinking enables them to work fully with minimal side-effects. And of course, it's just retarded for me to drink on these meds as I had been doing.
3. Go to Al-anon meetings regularly and also attend AA when I am having a hard time with my own personal struggle.
4. Write out a daily to-do list. As soon as I get up.
5. Also, keep a dream journal and practice more for lucidity so I can start having more awesome dreams.
6. Re-connect with a trumpet.
7. Return to the music scene of Columbus. I want to start regularly going to shows again, sober. It's going to be really really uncomfortable for me but whatever.
8. Start writing again, a whole lot. Reading, too. More me-time like I used to have.
9. Coffee.

I am writing this after a long few days. I'm tired but I can't sleep. It's 4:30 AM.

I've closed and opened the laptop twice already since that last sentence. It's 5:07 am now. Still can't sleep. Researching fasting. Reading past blogs of my favorite people. Thinking positive things.

I don't know if it's me withdrawing from alcohol or just my natural stupid sleep schedule, but I really can't sleep. I'll have a nap today. Oh, and I'm researching alternative sleep schedules that people have done.

I am also wanting to say that I will be no longer posting on this blog. Yeah yeah, I know. I've said it before. But I have a clear vision of how I want my sobriety journey to go, and I still will be blogging, but elsewhere. I'm not posting the link. People close to me will know about it, but I am truly in a place where I can't be honest anymore about my feelings in knowing who reads this blog. It's been this way for a while now, well over a year. It's so unhealthy and I'd much rather continue to blog w/ another platform openly and honestly on this journey than keep it bottled in again. I'm starting therapy this week, though. I might come back.

I love you.

Oh Amy Amy

Amy Winehouse is an inspiration and a lesson to me. I keep flooding my tumblr with photos and listening to her voice because she truly was a great artist in the sense that she was honest with herself. Her lyrics show a great sense of both vulnerability and strength. This is something so admirable to me, as I have been conditioned to be ashamed of my own thoughts. 

The lesson to be learned is that addiction is a disease. It can knock down the lives of those around the addict. Mine has been affected by alcoholism in more ways than I can count. I struggle every day to forgive and every now and then I still slip up and make it personal again, even though I don’t want to. Amy is a reminder that someone with such a burden on her shoulders and tendencies of lashing out can still have some sort of good impact on this world.  Amy is helping me learn to forgive.

If you need help, get help. Recognize when you can’t handle the load anymore and let out your SOS call. It is an admirable trait to be strong enough to want to deal with something on your own, but it is a great loss when the attempts aren’t successful. I’ve lost a friend to suicide recently because of this. I almost was gone because of this. It’s everywhere… you’re not alone. 

A Song For You

I've been so many places in my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme

I've acted out my love in stages

With ten thousand people watching

But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be

I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see

There's no one more important to me

Darlin' can't you please see through me

Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing

You came out in front and I was hiding

But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together

Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine

And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing

You came out in front and I was hiding

But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together

Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine

And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

We were alone and I was singing this song for you 

Amy Winehouse is covering this on her new record and rumor has it that she gets really emotional while singing this. It's so fitting, I can't wait to hear it.
Lioness: Hidden Treasures comes out on 12/6.

Self-worth

When I was growing up, I was on a ton of medications and regularly went to therapy. If my parents couldn't handle me (which I was a handful) I would be taken back to my therapist to be re-evaluated and it would need an immediate medicinal fix. Standards were set too high for me.

"Standards" can mean many things. I may act like a normal person, but my thoughts aren't normal. That's reflected in my ability to do things. I'm smart and I know I am, but I can't communicate properly or be social for too long. I have a hard time being in groups of friends. This was a bad thing to my parents, that I could only have one friend. They pointed it out all the time. To prove my parents wrong, I would invite over a few girls for birthday parties or I would go through my yearbook and count all the people I considered my friend. What kind of parent tells their kid that they don't have any friends? This makes me burst into tears at just the thought.

The first instance that comes to mind of when I was a doormat in a social setting was in debate. I was ignored by the other kids typically. I found a key fact of information for our side of the debate, and someone else took it. I just sat there. I felt like I was only in debate because I was in gifted & talented classes and my mother wanted to flaunt her learning-disability kid's smartness. I was afraid. I wanted friends, so I let it go. I wanted to be liked but instead I was walked all over.

I have had mentally-destructive situations around me my whole life. I'm finally in a position where I am ready to learn who I really am, and embrace it. I'm researching self-esteem boosting exercises, self-hypnosis, and making other changes to improve my own life. I'm still terrified of other people and their opinions, which is why they are going to be kept to a minimum. If you don't have anything positive to say to me right now, please just keep it to yourself.

I am ready to let go and move on. It's going to take a while, but my journey really does need to begin here. And it will. I'm 21 and I barely know myself or let myself live. I'm high-strung and bitchy to almost everyone. I think everyone is putting me on. I'm unable to show affection or praise without feeling like the other person will think I'm bullshitting them. This needs to change or I will never ever have healthy relationships.

I downloaded a self-hypnosis thing earlier. I'm going to listen to it soon, when I am heading to bed. I will listen to it tomorrow when I start meditating again. The healing process has started and I am super ready to love myself.

Perspective.

It's funny when you have a moment that makes you realize just how much better you have it. This is by no means bragging, this is me saying that I am happy I let go and that I can't believe I ever admired such a lifestyle. Well... the lifestyle is still very much something I glorify, I just fell for some dumb crowd trying to live it and doing it terribly and completely wrong.

Completely cut yourself off from capitalism, eh? Funny that you're telling me this on Facebook, which is one of the companies in the United States that is a major role in this whole capitalism and 99% thing. Totes upping the punx you are, kid. At least living in that situation made me open my eyes to better things.

I cleaned the whoooole attic today for Jackson while he was at work... I cleaned the sheets and towels and re-made the bed and organized all of his dvds, records, and books. 2 bags of trash, wiped down the desk and end tables... reorganized our window seat area. I walk downstairs to wait for him to come home and see his bookbag on the stairs... I get sooooo excited and then I come into the kitchen and see him laying on the ground with his hands over his face and ice on his knee. I swear to god, my hopes hurt people. I couldn't wait for him to come upstairs and see the room... so he busts his knee from falling off his bike to avoid a horse trailer on high street. Cool. I almost had a heart attack and immediately grabbed my card and went to Exxon to get him pain killers and juice. I love that booger.

I got two free tickets for Trauma each night (This Thurs and next Friday) and I will be going with Jackson the first night and my old co-worker Veronica the second! I'm so excited! I got the tickets for helping volunteer, so I will be setting up on the 4th and tearing down on the 5th at least. It'll be so nice to be able to go with Jackson though  if his knee is better. I was so eager after Drauma to volunteer and help that I'm glad the O.G. party happens again this fall. Can't wait to dance my ass off as Amy Winehouse, again.

Speaking of which, Skeleton Dance was a ton of fun, that was on Saturday night. So many people came, it got 20x bigger than expected and we spent all day yesterday cleaning... but everything is back to clean and we rearranged downstairs after, so it's even better now!

Alright, I'm going to the basement to enjoy some time with CJ and Jackson and raging blast two.

Tomorrow, it's time to go back home and start making all the crafty things I've thought of lately!

Happy Halloween :)

Oliver izzredee fohbed.

Oliver izzredee fohbed., a photo by Kidsmeller on Flickr.

Oh hello, best friend. You comfy? Need anything?

Big Bang

I've used this blogspot a lot. I've posted on here for years, but that's not too evident because I've deleted all of it. I'm finally in a position where I am learning to look back on my thoughts without disdain, and I wish that I still had all those bad posts on here to learn from... but so it goes.

A lot of things have gone wrong for me this year, but a lot of things to learn from have come from it and for that I am grateful. A lot of things have happened in the world this year and thus lots of change is happening and this is the best time to be a part of it on any level you can. Events whether good or bad are always a result of something and prevention is the best way to keep the bad from happening again. It goes with the simple phrase, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again you are going to get the same results.

I lost a friend of my family to suicide recently. He was freshly 18 and I had known him since he was 12. My stepmom was the one who called and told me. I was devastated... and I still am. There are a lot of regrets in my heart that I could've helped save his life, as I know everyone is left with such a feeling after losing someone close in such a way. However, my stepmom was the one that I called when I wanted to kill myself in June and was making plans. When I got that call from her about Zach, I instantly realized that it would've been the call the rest of my family and friends had gotten if I had gone through with it in June.

I also saw my mother and my little brother for the first time in a year and a half recently. It wasn't a good meeting, but nonetheless, it was one. My mother was upset that she wasn't the one I called when I wanted to kill myself in June. So thus, she thinks that I hate her and want her to have no part in my life. My brother was confused and had no idea why we were all crying. It was a huge scene and I somehow managed to keep calm. I kept quiet with drama. I told my brother I loved him and that I wished I could see him every day. He's so big and so cute. I wanted to eat him up... my baby brother.

I was sitting at Subway on the corner of 161 and whatever. My grandma had sent me a 15 dollar subway gift certificate, and I had been out driving just for the sake of getting out of my house. I stopped at Subway and ordered a delicious sandwich. Splurged and got the meal... with a yogurt, quite fancy. I sat in my car and cried while I ate. I had a quarter tank of gas. Was I going to go home and sit in my room and cry and deal with my shitty roommates and then go to my crappy job the next day... or was I going to drive somewhere and never come back?

If I drove away, I wouldn't have to go home to my shitty living situation, I wouldn't have to go to my job and feel inadequate about my life anymore when it came to all the successful spoiled saved-for-college-since-they-were-born-gonna-be-a-rocket-scientist-yuppy students came in. I would stop feeling like the worst daughter sister niece grandaughter or human being in the world. The racing thoughts would stop. The constant paranoia that every person I had a relationship with never really liked me. The paranoia that compliments were fake, an attempt to get past my walls. If I drove away, I would stop thinking that I was going to become an alcoholic every time I had a drink with a friend and more importantly, I would stop drinking every night I had money and felt like this. I would quit going home and staring at my pipe wishing I had weed. I would quit thinking I was overweight. I would quit looking in the mirror wishing I had money for my dumb owl to be colored in so I could have one major body modification that was so very important to me to be done remain unfinished, just like everything else I did. I would quit being disappointed in life. I thought about how disappointed I was in my family situation and I felt like it would never change.


I understand if that's hard to read. It's hard for me to think let alone put out there, which is why I never do. Which is why I am taking a break. My arms are numb, my lips are numb, and I can barely type. I am having an anxiety attack.


Ok. That's over. Anyway.

Then I thought about seeing my all of my brothers and my sister again one day. And my mother. Everyone in my family. And being at Christmas again someday. Handling things the right way in the future. Even though I didn't think it was really that possible, I thought there might be some glimmer of hope. So, instead of driving  far away I wrapped up my sandwich, lit a cigarette, and drove home to call my stepmother because 1) I knew my father wouldn't answer his phone, he never does. 2) My mother would worry and make a huge scene and make me move back home and I would lose every sense of adulthood and independence that I have formed here in Columbus and 3) My stepmom is here in Columbus, I can tell her lots of stuff I can't tell my parents, and she is always ready to help. That is all. I didn't not call my mother because I hate her. I didn't not call my father because he's a hardass. I made the most logical and low key decision to get me help as soon as possible.

My problems are this crippling and I don't tell anyone because I'm ashamed and I don't know anyone that is this open about it, so who do I talk to. My best friend is far away and I don't want to worry her. My mother lives far away and I don't talk to her, and she doesn't understand that I will not be moving back up there if it is forced upon me. How does a paranoid and vulnerable person call someone they haven't talked to in a year and a half that they have all this history with and unload everything on them? How do I tell my mother I'm sorry for my part of it right now when I don't have a full perspective on what exactly was my fault and what I'm responsible for?

I now know how hard I am to deal with because I hate dealing with myself. I lose things instantly after I get them, I forget things instantly after I tell myself to remember. I write lists and lose the lists. I get upset and go spend money or cause a fight without thinking. I have a short temper, short attention span, and crippling anxiety that makes me want stay at home and never go in public again. Mental illnesses are a big deal and while I am lucky to not have something worse, I know I have ADHD. I have anxiety. I know I am depressed. I might be bipolar. And those are the facts. I've avoided the last one for some time because I've looked at it with such disgust.

The word bipolar makes me think of crazy. Up down up down up down. It makes a lot of people think of crazy... and when untreated yes, it can seem that way. But it is not the individual's fault and they have every right to attain what they can of a normal person. I have finally chosen the route of medication and therapy and hope, because I know that those are what works for me now.

What all those paragraphs come down to is that I am making some gradual changes. They won't happen over night and I certainly hope they don't... because it's going to be a learning experience the whole way. Goals. Not all set in stone, and I will not- I will repeat to myself for the sake of just one more time- I will not get down on myself hard if I am having a hard time, I will just keep trying.

• Facebook will be kept to a minimum to keep me focused and off the internet doing things I need to do, and healthier things such as go ride my bike or read. 
• Improve my attitude towards strangers and new people, and establish better connections with my friends and my family that I do talk to.
• Treat my body better. Cut back on smoking, quit if I absolutely want to, and eat better things. Quit pigeonholing myself into veganism, vegetarian, being a drinker or non drinker, smoker or non smoker... and don't allow other people's tendency to pigeonhole to put me back into the habit.
• Quit pigeonholing others... because I'm oh so guilty of it myself. 
• Quit making immediate changes for myself... gradual is better. Goals, not set rules of change.
• Regularly take my medication, regularly see a counselor and keep lists and a little journal to write down things to remember.

Since I went to Netcare in June, I started paxil (I don't remember what I put in my other posts) but I quit it about a month ago while in New York because a couple weeks before I had had seizures. I had about 5 in a 10 minute span and I was lucky enough to have my friend Brian there to help me. I gradually weaned myself off and next week I am starting new meds. I am quite blessed, I am getting my medicine for free until I find a job, so I am willing to wait the week.

I want my life back. I want to be the person that can enter a room without my mind reeling of all the possibilities of what could go wrong in the situation I'm entering. I want to be happy. I want to show Jackson and everyone in my family properly how much I love them. I want to function. And I will do whatever I can to get life back. 

Also, this is a big step for me so it will not be happening immediately or over night... but I would like to re-establish a relationship with my mother and have it be a situation in whatever works for us. I love my mother and she is still a major part in my life every day. As a request to my family though, please don't see this as an opportunity to bring her back into my life right away. I would like this to be on our terms and between us whenever it happens.

This took me over 3 1/2 hours to write because I was terrified of letting it out, kept re-reading it, and had to keep taking breaks. Thank you for reading it if you did. This post means so much to me.

NYC

Freedom at last.

I was going to switch to wordpress for my blog, but fuck it. I'm used to blogspot and even if google doesn't give a shit about blogspot anymore... I do. I love you, blog spot.

Today is the... 7th, which means that I have been out of my terrible roommate situation for a week. My happy personality is back, the flea bites are healing, and I've been eating normally again. I made bruschetta tonight. BRUSCHETTA! It was simple and delicous. My roommate for the month, Jenny, is very into Italy and actually has the Italian flag hanging in the apartment, and all I've been eating is Italian food or fried potatoes smothered in seasoning with fried eggs and bacon. I'm not complaining.

I broke up with Steve. I feel terrible, but I just couldn't see it working a year or wherever from now. I'm over the scene I've been in. I'm over dating guys in it. He's a great dude, I just can't do it anymore.

The roommates at the old place completely ruined any fun I ever had coming out to shows in this city. At least punk shows. There's a difference between being a punk and being immature children. I understand I was one and I am still kind of one, but I'm trying to make that right now.

I get my loan money at the end of next week. I'm paying my rent (at my new place in Clintonville) 2 months in advance and I will be attending school. I'll find a part time job, but right now I have plasma donation money and it's enough to get by. I also have to figure out a way to get a new social security card, so I'm not really in a rush of getting into that stressful process. It's more complicated.

My phone is on its last leg. It will barely charge, I have to fidget with the charger and the battery just to get it to do anything. This will probably be my last month with Revol.

Um, anything else to update on? Not really. I'm just chillin and living life right now. I'm ok with it. I'm happy. I'm going to bed happy tonight, I'll wake up happy. I have dinner tomorrow. Life is good.

New Beginnings

The last 6 months of living with the people I have has given me a lot of experiences and allowed me to learn more about myself than living on my own did. I have taken those experiences into mind and have realized the changes I want to make for myself to better my life and thus make me a better friend and family member.

My lease is up in 10 days. Ten days. I am excited and terrified but I am keeping my chin up because I know in the end, everything will be okay and I will maintain the life I want eventually. I will be couch surfing with an old friend who is letting me bring my kitties and boxes. From there, I will get my student loans and be able to get my own housing. I'm quite excited to be living on my own again soon. I have missed having my own space and I think I might get it right this time. I'm hoping to have my own place above a shop somewhere in the short north, with hardwood floors and white walls. I'm trying to not get too ahead of myself, but it is less than a month away til I am back in school and am on my own again. It's the best birthday present I could give myself and the kitty cats!

I have been focusing on reading more and involving myself with local issues & the news. I have been reading about the raw food diet and will most likely be starting my own when I move into my place! I'll be purchasing a dehydrator to make fruit leather, and I might even try my hands at canning! I can't wait.

I'll also be on a hunt for the perfect desk at a local thrift shop so I can set up my own crafting station. I think due to lack of space and inspiration, I haven't really had a spot to designate for crafts- thus I never keep with them. That's going to change soon!

I'm off to go watch Mean Girls with my friend Brian. A bit old, but it is his first time seeing it! I'll do my best not to quote it the entire time! :)

Today, I am 21

Alright so my birthday ended 54 minutes ago, but still. I've had a bottle of wine and half a beer and I feel good. I had a terrible hangover yesterday that lasted all day. I could barely move. That's what you get when you drink on an empty stomach, lesson learned. I wasn't going to drink today but I saw a champagne glass at robot house and decided on some wine from the gas station. And since I knew the dudes, I wasn't even carded. Cool.

Steve came into town for my birthday and a long weekend. We went out to Dirty Franks and got so stuffed on food. I'm debating going out to the car and getting the left over cheddar & chili dog fries. Random fact I've learned from watching video games being played: Beer bellies doesn't come from the actual beer. The foam makes you hungry and thus the beer belly comes from having the munchies. Thank you, Catherine.

I am applying for a few new jobs tomorrow and I'm quite excited to be leaving the fast food industry. Alas, I do not fall into the 1 in 7 american people who've worked at McDonalds, but it's time I leave. I loved my job to death when I started because it was a company I believed in but I'd been screwed over too many times there and I can't deal with it. I'm going to miss the extra dollar or two an hour for dealing with drunks, but it's still not worth it.

I spent a portion of last night crying. I've been sad again even though I'm on my second month of antidepressants, but I feel the dosage needs upped or I need to be put on something else. My suicidal thoughts have definitely increased but on the other side I know better than to do it and have achieved enough control over my thoughts and actions to calm down and keep my emotions in check after a few minutes. However, the bursts of my anxiety and anger are 20x more and I wish I can find some way to vent my anger without a fist hitting the wall or me yelling.

I took sleeping pills and took a shower and then went to bed. My sleep has been terrible lately and when I do, I have nightmares. I took 4 tylenol PMs the other night and ate a lazy cake brownie with melatonin and valerian root and it still took me 2 hours to stop my brain and fall asleep.

I'm going to Columbus State to talk to someone about all I have left to do. I'm so lost and confused on how to get back into school and I can't focus on a god damn website explaining the loan process. We'll be going tomorrow and I'm excited to finally make it happen. I wanted to so badly last year but I had so much crap going on... I don't want that to happen again. I need to be in school.

Well, that's my life lately. Over and out.

Update

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts well enough for an update, but I'll try.

Hey guys! I'm still alive, finally able to grab ahold of a computer lately. I've updated my tumblr and such but I've forgotten about my blogspot, so here you go!

I've been in the hospital a lot since I moved out on my own. I've been diagnosed with asthma and have had a kidney infection as well as strep and pneumonia, but that's getting all better. It's taken a while since I've been too stubborn to quit smoking. I just started taking Paxil about a week ago and I've been sleeping a lot to avoid being moody... I woke up today feeling awesome and refreshed, so it's been very beneficial.

I have less than a month til my 21st birthday, and I'm really excited! I won't have much to look forward to after that I guess, but I'm still really excited that I'll be able to join my friends at bars and won't have to be sneaking drinks, haha.

I've decided to return back to school in the fall and attend for business management. I wrote out myself a 7 year plan and I would like to have my degree & a good amount of money saved up in the future to open a bakery of my own.  I plan on taking as many baking classes as I can and learn as much about the craft to make sure I'll be able to pull it off. I have a very specific vision for it, and at this point I really hope I can pull it off. I plan on busting my ass, but I know life happens and I might not have the same plan in a few years... but at least I'll have a degree under my belt to do other things with.

My roommate living has been hell, but it's almost over so it's really not worth going into. It's been a lot of stress and I have reached a pack of cigarettes a day from being so overwhelmed... but I have that significantly knocked down now and I am only focusing on making plans for the future. I'm going to be moving in with someone who is more goal-oriented (she graduated high school at 16) and has been a great friend to me in the time I've known her, I think it will work out really well.

Oh, also... I am seeing a lovely guy. I met him a little over a month ago... he lives in Tiffin, but we make time to see each other. I've visited him in Tiffin the last 2 weekends, and he's come down a couple times to visit. He's coming this weekend though juuuuust to spend time with me and I can't be anymore excited. Can't wait. He takes time to be my boyfriend and is very understanding of everything I've been going through. We have so much in common... I really can't ask for more. He's wonderful.

I don't mean to bring this to an abrupt end, but it's been a while since I've done this and my time away from the computer has left me with no idea how to continue this. I miss everyone that I've met on the internet, and I will be returning again soon. I love you guys... I hope everyone is well :)

xoxo
Steph

My car is fucked. Went flat the other day, got a new tire put on it and the rim straightened out. Hit a pot hole on Indianola on my way home from my Dad's and it went flat again. Rim's screwed. I have limited money. Finding a way to work tomorrow and getting a bike on Wednesday. I'll fix my car soon. I'll have a ton more money from not paying for gas and I'll be getting in shape, too! Biking, I can't wait to be riding the streets of Columbus. New picture is also me right now, saying HI!

Listening to Daft Punk at Robot House. Have a good night, lurkers!

Leaving you for a little while.

I move tomorrow. I'm super duper excited about it, too. I've been in this house for longer than I really realized and I'm glad it was kind of an only option sort of deal. After being accused of being a mooch, yeah.. I hightailed my ass out of here. Over it. Family always has your back...

Anyways, this place is super sweet. It's in an old office building that's been renovated into apartments. FIVE bedrooms, TWO bathrooms, new floors, new appliances!... it's going to be awesome. I'll have my own room and cheap rents! The kitties are gonna be happy, and apparently they're also making another feline friend! I'm super stoked.

I also work more this week and they're all shifts before midnight, so I am happy. I made way more money last week with my 8-1 shift. Yay, waitressing!

Anyway, I'm going through all my things tonight and will be throwing a lot away that I don't need to be lugging around anymore. I don't even know how long I'll be in Ohio anymore... and when that time comes, I want to be able to leave when I need to without really relying on anyone else. My priorities are changing... I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life, but right now... I'm okay with that. I gotta take this one day at a time, and right now I'm only concerned about cheaper living, more efficient commuting, getting back in shape, and having a bomb ass summer. I do plan to go back to school in the fall, though. This is my 21st year. I'm going to enjoy it, not even because I'll be legally able to drink. It's just about time I focus on myself and get what I've been wanting and what I deserve.

Most people won't get it, but I don't care. There are people out there who have gone through the same priority changes as me at this age. They'll get it. And if not, I'll be cool with the misunderstanding.

TWO WORDS

Hello you fuckers, you assholes, you social rejects… 
I hope you get my sarcasm as I generalize our subculture 
That once had the biggest of mouths. 


Now scared to just speak up, 
scared of prepubescent teens with the fastest hands 
or has-been role models who gave in to their own cynicism. 
I might seem jaded, I might seem arrogant. However,

I am a dude of many opinions which I encroach on every open ear. 
I find it offensive when someone cowards behind tight lips. 
Save face for the sake of social status, prostitution with a pretty face.

No approval here not bought with pride, all loss for some one else’s gain.

Keep your mouth shut. Keep your eyes straight ahead. 

You might make it out of here unscathed but devoid of purpose. 

Mediocrity is a fucking cancer; it seems air born and contagious. 

I found myself here-when I didn’t fit-most anywhere else. 

Now I find it hard to relate to the most familiar of faces.

Don’t Care

Pardon my apathy and my articulation with cheap childish phrases 
but I hate the excuses I give this nothing more then these two words

Fuck it

How cliché this all sounds. 
This was made for the individual 
but is ruined by the ignorant masses.

Didn't get to go to The Dopamines. Lame sauce.

Sleeping. Cats. Punx. Hardcore. Driving.

Slipping on ice and falling on my ass.

This is my life right now.

You're jealous.

Cue fangirl squeal

So, you remember me posting about The Dopamines & Off With Their Heads before I deleted all my posts, right? Maybe? Well, their show is tomorrow night and I have been feeling like I wouldn't be able to go... so I just pushed the thought out of my mind. The show didn't exist if I wasn't there. That's how it had to be to keep me from getting bummed.

Then two days ago, posts on facebook started happening to remind people of the show. It's all I thought about. Last night, I played them for my friend and rambled on for about 15 minutes and realized I was talking too much. I felt ridiculous and fangirly.

Well, that feeling then is nothing compared to now. Because I'm going.

HIT IT.

Oh, and also:

Sauerkraut pizza > you.

I love my job.

You're not getting older,

You're just getting old.



Rushing in and out, and in and out of my mind (I'm out of my mind).
We live and obey with some kind of hate.
Dreading the time to come when we've got no time at all.

I want to take the time to stop and think 
about doing this, and what it might mean to be. 
When I close my eyes, there's nothing but darkness revealed. 
It’s right there in front of me. 

Looking forward for a taste of things to come. 
I can't see familiar faces on anyone. 
Life is trying to pass me by,
but not this time. I am not afraid.

You're not getting older; you're just getting old.
And your finish wears thin as your stories get told. 
Yet you've somehow impressed her; she's already sold. 
The one page in your book that's still shining in gold says, 

"Wishing for the years to flash by 
has left me blind.
I’m waiting for the few fleeting moments
where the world makes sense to me."

I want to take the time to stop and think 
about doing this, and what it might mean to be. 
When I close my eyes, there's nothing but darkness revealed. 
It’s right there in front of me. 

Looking forward for a taste of things to come. 
I can't see familiar faces on anyone. 
Life is trying to pass me by,
but not this time. I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

My search continues for a taste of things to come.
I can't see familiar faces on anyone. 
Life is trying its best to pass by, 
but not this time. I am not afraid.
(I am not afraid.)

Heya, Hiya

I somehow managed to fall asleep at 9:30 earlier tonight when I didn't wake up til about 3 or 4... and am now awake and sitting here blogging. I really want to go get food; but I don't want to wake everyone up. First world problems.

I now work at Hound Dog's after 3 weeks of bugging them to see if a position was open. Started on Saturday, worked Sunday- and was nervous the whole time. Tuesday was much better, but the ice storm left me with only having 5 tables the whole night. There was one cool dude who I guess comes in all the time and knew I was new, so he tipped me extra. I'm glad I've relaxed there a ton. I think I just realized it was way way better than I thought it was gonna be.

I really wish I were there right now, actually. I'm debating on sneaking out in the middle of the night to get some pizza (and check my schedule!). 12 inch kraut pizza with smoking joe's crust sounds so wonderful. I wonder, do I get a discount? I hope so.

This is my life.

Star Trek Nerd Alert

I have no idea how I lived a day before today without this existing. This makes Star Trek even better.

I'm about to have a nervous breakdown
My head really hurts
If I don't find a way out of here
I'm gonna go berserk cause
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
It's going... Berserk!
I hear the same old talk talk talk
The same old lines
Don't do me that today
Yeah if you know what's good for you, you'll get out of my way
Cause, I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
Going... Berserk!
I won't apologize
For acting outta line
You see the way I am
You leave any time you can cause
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
Going... Berserk!
Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!
I don't care what you fuckin' do!
I don't care what you fuckin' say!
I'm so sick of everything
I just want to... Die!

Went and saw this band at Carabar on Tuesday night. Tonight, I shall go see Bastards at Carabar. Enjoy this. It's good.

A little nerd lingo?

Tore up the roof of my mouth from eating your bullshit

The lights are flashing green but no one’s moving
The fumes are collecting in the passenger seat
Yeah I know, I'll eventually move. 
But unlike you, I guess I got nothing to prove
You keep weaving through traffic, 
and I’ll keep huffing exhaust.

'Cause huffing exhaust beats breaking for assholes. 

I’ll let you know when I’m face down.

Tore up the roof of my mouth from eating your bullshit.
Now I’m tracing my tongue on the lacerations.
Yeah my mouth will eventually heal, 
but you’re feeding me more and I'm so sick of being polite.
Next week just please cut out the bullshit from your grocery list. 

I must insist.

Now all I got left is a black lung, and I’m spotting on my tongue.
Yeah I know I'll eventually move, 
but unlike you I guess I feel like I got nothing to prove. 
Yeah my mouth will eventually heal, 
but you’re feeding me more and I'm so sick of being polite.
'Cause huffing exhaust beats breaking for assholes.

High Fives

for low lives!



left me all but dead there
headed out back east
woke up on the porch where
the night before we drank ourselves to sleep
stick between a drunken daydream
and real eviction threats
I thought that you might love me
fuck the landlord, fuck the rent

alright, high fives for low lives
drinking lonely, heartsick drinks tonight
some days, some nights just slip by
sometimes I'm wishing that this world would die

show me the sunny side of regret
tell me the one about sure thing bets
paid in full without consequences
I know why you have to believe in lies
yeah, and I know tonight when I close my eyes
when the room spins, when the brain stops
there's a chance I can let this go for now

try to keep four walls from doing their worst
I know damn well that this is not the first
or the last of drinking with the lights out
wondering where you went
should've know it'd be more of the same shit luck
got enough losing hands to keep myself fucked
'til it rains down dollars in the ghetto
I'll hold my breath 'til then yeah

alright, high fives for low lives
drinking lonely, heartsick drinks tonight
some days, some nights just slip by
sometimes I'm wishing that this world would die

I don't give a damn about my reputation