Big Bang

I've used this blogspot a lot. I've posted on here for years, but that's not too evident because I've deleted all of it. I'm finally in a position where I am learning to look back on my thoughts without disdain, and I wish that I still had all those bad posts on here to learn from... but so it goes.

A lot of things have gone wrong for me this year, but a lot of things to learn from have come from it and for that I am grateful. A lot of things have happened in the world this year and thus lots of change is happening and this is the best time to be a part of it on any level you can. Events whether good or bad are always a result of something and prevention is the best way to keep the bad from happening again. It goes with the simple phrase, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again you are going to get the same results.

I lost a friend of my family to suicide recently. He was freshly 18 and I had known him since he was 12. My stepmom was the one who called and told me. I was devastated... and I still am. There are a lot of regrets in my heart that I could've helped save his life, as I know everyone is left with such a feeling after losing someone close in such a way. However, my stepmom was the one that I called when I wanted to kill myself in June and was making plans. When I got that call from her about Zach, I instantly realized that it would've been the call the rest of my family and friends had gotten if I had gone through with it in June.

I also saw my mother and my little brother for the first time in a year and a half recently. It wasn't a good meeting, but nonetheless, it was one. My mother was upset that she wasn't the one I called when I wanted to kill myself in June. So thus, she thinks that I hate her and want her to have no part in my life. My brother was confused and had no idea why we were all crying. It was a huge scene and I somehow managed to keep calm. I kept quiet with drama. I told my brother I loved him and that I wished I could see him every day. He's so big and so cute. I wanted to eat him up... my baby brother.

I was sitting at Subway on the corner of 161 and whatever. My grandma had sent me a 15 dollar subway gift certificate, and I had been out driving just for the sake of getting out of my house. I stopped at Subway and ordered a delicious sandwich. Splurged and got the meal... with a yogurt, quite fancy. I sat in my car and cried while I ate. I had a quarter tank of gas. Was I going to go home and sit in my room and cry and deal with my shitty roommates and then go to my crappy job the next day... or was I going to drive somewhere and never come back?

If I drove away, I wouldn't have to go home to my shitty living situation, I wouldn't have to go to my job and feel inadequate about my life anymore when it came to all the successful spoiled saved-for-college-since-they-were-born-gonna-be-a-rocket-scientist-yuppy students came in. I would stop feeling like the worst daughter sister niece grandaughter or human being in the world. The racing thoughts would stop. The constant paranoia that every person I had a relationship with never really liked me. The paranoia that compliments were fake, an attempt to get past my walls. If I drove away, I would stop thinking that I was going to become an alcoholic every time I had a drink with a friend and more importantly, I would stop drinking every night I had money and felt like this. I would quit going home and staring at my pipe wishing I had weed. I would quit thinking I was overweight. I would quit looking in the mirror wishing I had money for my dumb owl to be colored in so I could have one major body modification that was so very important to me to be done remain unfinished, just like everything else I did. I would quit being disappointed in life. I thought about how disappointed I was in my family situation and I felt like it would never change.


I understand if that's hard to read. It's hard for me to think let alone put out there, which is why I never do. Which is why I am taking a break. My arms are numb, my lips are numb, and I can barely type. I am having an anxiety attack.


Ok. That's over. Anyway.

Then I thought about seeing my all of my brothers and my sister again one day. And my mother. Everyone in my family. And being at Christmas again someday. Handling things the right way in the future. Even though I didn't think it was really that possible, I thought there might be some glimmer of hope. So, instead of driving  far away I wrapped up my sandwich, lit a cigarette, and drove home to call my stepmother because 1) I knew my father wouldn't answer his phone, he never does. 2) My mother would worry and make a huge scene and make me move back home and I would lose every sense of adulthood and independence that I have formed here in Columbus and 3) My stepmom is here in Columbus, I can tell her lots of stuff I can't tell my parents, and she is always ready to help. That is all. I didn't not call my mother because I hate her. I didn't not call my father because he's a hardass. I made the most logical and low key decision to get me help as soon as possible.

My problems are this crippling and I don't tell anyone because I'm ashamed and I don't know anyone that is this open about it, so who do I talk to. My best friend is far away and I don't want to worry her. My mother lives far away and I don't talk to her, and she doesn't understand that I will not be moving back up there if it is forced upon me. How does a paranoid and vulnerable person call someone they haven't talked to in a year and a half that they have all this history with and unload everything on them? How do I tell my mother I'm sorry for my part of it right now when I don't have a full perspective on what exactly was my fault and what I'm responsible for?

I now know how hard I am to deal with because I hate dealing with myself. I lose things instantly after I get them, I forget things instantly after I tell myself to remember. I write lists and lose the lists. I get upset and go spend money or cause a fight without thinking. I have a short temper, short attention span, and crippling anxiety that makes me want stay at home and never go in public again. Mental illnesses are a big deal and while I am lucky to not have something worse, I know I have ADHD. I have anxiety. I know I am depressed. I might be bipolar. And those are the facts. I've avoided the last one for some time because I've looked at it with such disgust.

The word bipolar makes me think of crazy. Up down up down up down. It makes a lot of people think of crazy... and when untreated yes, it can seem that way. But it is not the individual's fault and they have every right to attain what they can of a normal person. I have finally chosen the route of medication and therapy and hope, because I know that those are what works for me now.

What all those paragraphs come down to is that I am making some gradual changes. They won't happen over night and I certainly hope they don't... because it's going to be a learning experience the whole way. Goals. Not all set in stone, and I will not- I will repeat to myself for the sake of just one more time- I will not get down on myself hard if I am having a hard time, I will just keep trying.

• Facebook will be kept to a minimum to keep me focused and off the internet doing things I need to do, and healthier things such as go ride my bike or read. 
• Improve my attitude towards strangers and new people, and establish better connections with my friends and my family that I do talk to.
• Treat my body better. Cut back on smoking, quit if I absolutely want to, and eat better things. Quit pigeonholing myself into veganism, vegetarian, being a drinker or non drinker, smoker or non smoker... and don't allow other people's tendency to pigeonhole to put me back into the habit.
• Quit pigeonholing others... because I'm oh so guilty of it myself. 
• Quit making immediate changes for myself... gradual is better. Goals, not set rules of change.
• Regularly take my medication, regularly see a counselor and keep lists and a little journal to write down things to remember.

Since I went to Netcare in June, I started paxil (I don't remember what I put in my other posts) but I quit it about a month ago while in New York because a couple weeks before I had had seizures. I had about 5 in a 10 minute span and I was lucky enough to have my friend Brian there to help me. I gradually weaned myself off and next week I am starting new meds. I am quite blessed, I am getting my medicine for free until I find a job, so I am willing to wait the week.

I want my life back. I want to be the person that can enter a room without my mind reeling of all the possibilities of what could go wrong in the situation I'm entering. I want to be happy. I want to show Jackson and everyone in my family properly how much I love them. I want to function. And I will do whatever I can to get life back. 

Also, this is a big step for me so it will not be happening immediately or over night... but I would like to re-establish a relationship with my mother and have it be a situation in whatever works for us. I love my mother and she is still a major part in my life every day. As a request to my family though, please don't see this as an opportunity to bring her back into my life right away. I would like this to be on our terms and between us whenever it happens.

This took me over 3 1/2 hours to write because I was terrified of letting it out, kept re-reading it, and had to keep taking breaks. Thank you for reading it if you did. This post means so much to me.