Goodbyes

Today is day two of my new path of sobriety from alcohol. I'm laying in bed hating on myself because since I was up late last night, I can't sleep now. So I guess this is still day one?

I made this decision after ignoring my conscious for a while about my drinking. I hadn't really drank anywhere near as much as I did earlier this year in a while... and well, the holiday nerves got to me. Too much Yeungling and red wine. The next morning, a lot of tears and a talk with Jackson's mom helped me make this decision.

I'm sitting (laying) here thinking about this and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to do this. I have the odds against me. I have alcoholism in my genes. Almost all my friendships were formed through times of drinking. But I also think of all the stupid things I have done and the stupid things I've witnessed from alcohol and how much hurt it puts on others and myself, and I just can't do it anymore right now. Not while I don't have a handle on myself.

I see the future I could possibly have for myself, and I want it so badly.

Any hoot,

I am setting myself up some goals. Let's think of it as me getting a head start on my 'resolution' for the new year.

1. Regularly attend therapy as I see needed so I can get my mind in order. I need to let go of a lot of things and be at peace from my past.
2. Take my meds as scheduled. Not drinking enables them to work fully with minimal side-effects. And of course, it's just retarded for me to drink on these meds as I had been doing.
3. Go to Al-anon meetings regularly and also attend AA when I am having a hard time with my own personal struggle.
4. Write out a daily to-do list. As soon as I get up.
5. Also, keep a dream journal and practice more for lucidity so I can start having more awesome dreams.
6. Re-connect with a trumpet.
7. Return to the music scene of Columbus. I want to start regularly going to shows again, sober. It's going to be really really uncomfortable for me but whatever.
8. Start writing again, a whole lot. Reading, too. More me-time like I used to have.
9. Coffee.

I am writing this after a long few days. I'm tired but I can't sleep. It's 4:30 AM.

I've closed and opened the laptop twice already since that last sentence. It's 5:07 am now. Still can't sleep. Researching fasting. Reading past blogs of my favorite people. Thinking positive things.

I don't know if it's me withdrawing from alcohol or just my natural stupid sleep schedule, but I really can't sleep. I'll have a nap today. Oh, and I'm researching alternative sleep schedules that people have done.

I am also wanting to say that I will be no longer posting on this blog. Yeah yeah, I know. I've said it before. But I have a clear vision of how I want my sobriety journey to go, and I still will be blogging, but elsewhere. I'm not posting the link. People close to me will know about it, but I am truly in a place where I can't be honest anymore about my feelings in knowing who reads this blog. It's been this way for a while now, well over a year. It's so unhealthy and I'd much rather continue to blog w/ another platform openly and honestly on this journey than keep it bottled in again. I'm starting therapy this week, though. I might come back.

I love you.