Self-worth

When I was growing up, I was on a ton of medications and regularly went to therapy. If my parents couldn't handle me (which I was a handful) I would be taken back to my therapist to be re-evaluated and it would need an immediate medicinal fix. Standards were set too high for me.

"Standards" can mean many things. I may act like a normal person, but my thoughts aren't normal. That's reflected in my ability to do things. I'm smart and I know I am, but I can't communicate properly or be social for too long. I have a hard time being in groups of friends. This was a bad thing to my parents, that I could only have one friend. They pointed it out all the time. To prove my parents wrong, I would invite over a few girls for birthday parties or I would go through my yearbook and count all the people I considered my friend. What kind of parent tells their kid that they don't have any friends? This makes me burst into tears at just the thought.

The first instance that comes to mind of when I was a doormat in a social setting was in debate. I was ignored by the other kids typically. I found a key fact of information for our side of the debate, and someone else took it. I just sat there. I felt like I was only in debate because I was in gifted & talented classes and my mother wanted to flaunt her learning-disability kid's smartness. I was afraid. I wanted friends, so I let it go. I wanted to be liked but instead I was walked all over.

I have had mentally-destructive situations around me my whole life. I'm finally in a position where I am ready to learn who I really am, and embrace it. I'm researching self-esteem boosting exercises, self-hypnosis, and making other changes to improve my own life. I'm still terrified of other people and their opinions, which is why they are going to be kept to a minimum. If you don't have anything positive to say to me right now, please just keep it to yourself.

I am ready to let go and move on. It's going to take a while, but my journey really does need to begin here. And it will. I'm 21 and I barely know myself or let myself live. I'm high-strung and bitchy to almost everyone. I think everyone is putting me on. I'm unable to show affection or praise without feeling like the other person will think I'm bullshitting them. This needs to change or I will never ever have healthy relationships.

I downloaded a self-hypnosis thing earlier. I'm going to listen to it soon, when I am heading to bed. I will listen to it tomorrow when I start meditating again. The healing process has started and I am super ready to love myself.