Update

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts well enough for an update, but I'll try.

Hey guys! I'm still alive, finally able to grab ahold of a computer lately. I've updated my tumblr and such but I've forgotten about my blogspot, so here you go!

I've been in the hospital a lot since I moved out on my own. I've been diagnosed with asthma and have had a kidney infection as well as strep and pneumonia, but that's getting all better. It's taken a while since I've been too stubborn to quit smoking. I just started taking Paxil about a week ago and I've been sleeping a lot to avoid being moody... I woke up today feeling awesome and refreshed, so it's been very beneficial.

I have less than a month til my 21st birthday, and I'm really excited! I won't have much to look forward to after that I guess, but I'm still really excited that I'll be able to join my friends at bars and won't have to be sneaking drinks, haha.

I've decided to return back to school in the fall and attend for business management. I wrote out myself a 7 year plan and I would like to have my degree & a good amount of money saved up in the future to open a bakery of my own.  I plan on taking as many baking classes as I can and learn as much about the craft to make sure I'll be able to pull it off. I have a very specific vision for it, and at this point I really hope I can pull it off. I plan on busting my ass, but I know life happens and I might not have the same plan in a few years... but at least I'll have a degree under my belt to do other things with.

My roommate living has been hell, but it's almost over so it's really not worth going into. It's been a lot of stress and I have reached a pack of cigarettes a day from being so overwhelmed... but I have that significantly knocked down now and I am only focusing on making plans for the future. I'm going to be moving in with someone who is more goal-oriented (she graduated high school at 16) and has been a great friend to me in the time I've known her, I think it will work out really well.

Oh, also... I am seeing a lovely guy. I met him a little over a month ago... he lives in Tiffin, but we make time to see each other. I've visited him in Tiffin the last 2 weekends, and he's come down a couple times to visit. He's coming this weekend though juuuuust to spend time with me and I can't be anymore excited. Can't wait. He takes time to be my boyfriend and is very understanding of everything I've been going through. We have so much in common... I really can't ask for more. He's wonderful.

I don't mean to bring this to an abrupt end, but it's been a while since I've done this and my time away from the computer has left me with no idea how to continue this. I miss everyone that I've met on the internet, and I will be returning again soon. I love you guys... I hope everyone is well :)

xoxo
Steph

My car is fucked. Went flat the other day, got a new tire put on it and the rim straightened out. Hit a pot hole on Indianola on my way home from my Dad's and it went flat again. Rim's screwed. I have limited money. Finding a way to work tomorrow and getting a bike on Wednesday. I'll fix my car soon. I'll have a ton more money from not paying for gas and I'll be getting in shape, too! Biking, I can't wait to be riding the streets of Columbus. New picture is also me right now, saying HI!

Listening to Daft Punk at Robot House. Have a good night, lurkers!

Leaving you for a little while.

I move tomorrow. I'm super duper excited about it, too. I've been in this house for longer than I really realized and I'm glad it was kind of an only option sort of deal. After being accused of being a mooch, yeah.. I hightailed my ass out of here. Over it. Family always has your back...

Anyways, this place is super sweet. It's in an old office building that's been renovated into apartments. FIVE bedrooms, TWO bathrooms, new floors, new appliances!... it's going to be awesome. I'll have my own room and cheap rents! The kitties are gonna be happy, and apparently they're also making another feline friend! I'm super stoked.

I also work more this week and they're all shifts before midnight, so I am happy. I made way more money last week with my 8-1 shift. Yay, waitressing!

Anyway, I'm going through all my things tonight and will be throwing a lot away that I don't need to be lugging around anymore. I don't even know how long I'll be in Ohio anymore... and when that time comes, I want to be able to leave when I need to without really relying on anyone else. My priorities are changing... I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life, but right now... I'm okay with that. I gotta take this one day at a time, and right now I'm only concerned about cheaper living, more efficient commuting, getting back in shape, and having a bomb ass summer. I do plan to go back to school in the fall, though. This is my 21st year. I'm going to enjoy it, not even because I'll be legally able to drink. It's just about time I focus on myself and get what I've been wanting and what I deserve.

Most people won't get it, but I don't care. There are people out there who have gone through the same priority changes as me at this age. They'll get it. And if not, I'll be cool with the misunderstanding.

TWO WORDS

Hello you fuckers, you assholes, you social rejects… 
I hope you get my sarcasm as I generalize our subculture 
That once had the biggest of mouths. 


Now scared to just speak up, 
scared of prepubescent teens with the fastest hands 
or has-been role models who gave in to their own cynicism. 
I might seem jaded, I might seem arrogant. However,

I am a dude of many opinions which I encroach on every open ear. 
I find it offensive when someone cowards behind tight lips. 
Save face for the sake of social status, prostitution with a pretty face.

No approval here not bought with pride, all loss for some one else’s gain.

Keep your mouth shut. Keep your eyes straight ahead. 

You might make it out of here unscathed but devoid of purpose. 

Mediocrity is a fucking cancer; it seems air born and contagious. 

I found myself here-when I didn’t fit-most anywhere else. 

Now I find it hard to relate to the most familiar of faces.

Don’t Care

Pardon my apathy and my articulation with cheap childish phrases 
but I hate the excuses I give this nothing more then these two words

Fuck it

How cliché this all sounds. 
This was made for the individual 
but is ruined by the ignorant masses.

Didn't get to go to The Dopamines. Lame sauce.

Sleeping. Cats. Punx. Hardcore. Driving.

Slipping on ice and falling on my ass.

This is my life right now.

You're jealous.

Cue fangirl squeal

So, you remember me posting about The Dopamines & Off With Their Heads before I deleted all my posts, right? Maybe? Well, their show is tomorrow night and I have been feeling like I wouldn't be able to go... so I just pushed the thought out of my mind. The show didn't exist if I wasn't there. That's how it had to be to keep me from getting bummed.

Then two days ago, posts on facebook started happening to remind people of the show. It's all I thought about. Last night, I played them for my friend and rambled on for about 15 minutes and realized I was talking too much. I felt ridiculous and fangirly.

Well, that feeling then is nothing compared to now. Because I'm going.

HIT IT.

Oh, and also:

Sauerkraut pizza > you.

I love my job.

You're not getting older,

You're just getting old.



Rushing in and out, and in and out of my mind (I'm out of my mind).
We live and obey with some kind of hate.
Dreading the time to come when we've got no time at all.

I want to take the time to stop and think 
about doing this, and what it might mean to be. 
When I close my eyes, there's nothing but darkness revealed. 
It’s right there in front of me. 

Looking forward for a taste of things to come. 
I can't see familiar faces on anyone. 
Life is trying to pass me by,
but not this time. I am not afraid.

You're not getting older; you're just getting old.
And your finish wears thin as your stories get told. 
Yet you've somehow impressed her; she's already sold. 
The one page in your book that's still shining in gold says, 

"Wishing for the years to flash by 
has left me blind.
I’m waiting for the few fleeting moments
where the world makes sense to me."

I want to take the time to stop and think 
about doing this, and what it might mean to be. 
When I close my eyes, there's nothing but darkness revealed. 
It’s right there in front of me. 

Looking forward for a taste of things to come. 
I can't see familiar faces on anyone. 
Life is trying to pass me by,
but not this time. I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

My search continues for a taste of things to come.
I can't see familiar faces on anyone. 
Life is trying its best to pass by, 
but not this time. I am not afraid.
(I am not afraid.)

Heya, Hiya

I somehow managed to fall asleep at 9:30 earlier tonight when I didn't wake up til about 3 or 4... and am now awake and sitting here blogging. I really want to go get food; but I don't want to wake everyone up. First world problems.

I now work at Hound Dog's after 3 weeks of bugging them to see if a position was open. Started on Saturday, worked Sunday- and was nervous the whole time. Tuesday was much better, but the ice storm left me with only having 5 tables the whole night. There was one cool dude who I guess comes in all the time and knew I was new, so he tipped me extra. I'm glad I've relaxed there a ton. I think I just realized it was way way better than I thought it was gonna be.

I really wish I were there right now, actually. I'm debating on sneaking out in the middle of the night to get some pizza (and check my schedule!). 12 inch kraut pizza with smoking joe's crust sounds so wonderful. I wonder, do I get a discount? I hope so.

This is my life.

Star Trek Nerd Alert

I have no idea how I lived a day before today without this existing. This makes Star Trek even better.

I'm about to have a nervous breakdown
My head really hurts
If I don't find a way out of here
I'm gonna go berserk cause
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
It's going... Berserk!
I hear the same old talk talk talk
The same old lines
Don't do me that today
Yeah if you know what's good for you, you'll get out of my way
Cause, I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
Going... Berserk!
I won't apologize
For acting outta line
You see the way I am
You leave any time you can cause
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
Going... Berserk!
Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!
I don't care what you fuckin' do!
I don't care what you fuckin' say!
I'm so sick of everything
I just want to... Die!

Went and saw this band at Carabar on Tuesday night. Tonight, I shall go see Bastards at Carabar. Enjoy this. It's good.

A little nerd lingo?

Tore up the roof of my mouth from eating your bullshit

The lights are flashing green but no one’s moving
The fumes are collecting in the passenger seat
Yeah I know, I'll eventually move. 
But unlike you, I guess I got nothing to prove
You keep weaving through traffic, 
and I’ll keep huffing exhaust.

'Cause huffing exhaust beats breaking for assholes. 

I’ll let you know when I’m face down.

Tore up the roof of my mouth from eating your bullshit.
Now I’m tracing my tongue on the lacerations.
Yeah my mouth will eventually heal, 
but you’re feeding me more and I'm so sick of being polite.
Next week just please cut out the bullshit from your grocery list. 

I must insist.

Now all I got left is a black lung, and I’m spotting on my tongue.
Yeah I know I'll eventually move, 
but unlike you I guess I feel like I got nothing to prove. 
Yeah my mouth will eventually heal, 
but you’re feeding me more and I'm so sick of being polite.
'Cause huffing exhaust beats breaking for assholes.

High Fives

for low lives!



left me all but dead there
headed out back east
woke up on the porch where
the night before we drank ourselves to sleep
stick between a drunken daydream
and real eviction threats
I thought that you might love me
fuck the landlord, fuck the rent

alright, high fives for low lives
drinking lonely, heartsick drinks tonight
some days, some nights just slip by
sometimes I'm wishing that this world would die

show me the sunny side of regret
tell me the one about sure thing bets
paid in full without consequences
I know why you have to believe in lies
yeah, and I know tonight when I close my eyes
when the room spins, when the brain stops
there's a chance I can let this go for now

try to keep four walls from doing their worst
I know damn well that this is not the first
or the last of drinking with the lights out
wondering where you went
should've know it'd be more of the same shit luck
got enough losing hands to keep myself fucked
'til it rains down dollars in the ghetto
I'll hold my breath 'til then yeah

alright, high fives for low lives
drinking lonely, heartsick drinks tonight
some days, some nights just slip by
sometimes I'm wishing that this world would die

I don't give a damn about my reputation

Fuck This, I'm Out.

I'm counting down the days 'til I can get the fuck out of this place
I swear I'm never coming back 'cause I found everything that I lack
I found comfort in a land far away
Where I don't feel like I've got a foot in the grave

It's not about you, it's about me 
Please leave me alone
Leave me alone

I'm so sick of fighting with every single person that I know
And I'm so sick of lying and burying myself in a hole
I just want to fill that tank up and drive
It's the only thing that still makes me feel alive

It's not about you, it's about me 
Please leave me alone
Leave me alone

I don't think I'll ever make it out alive
So I might as well just kill myself tonight
Yeah, might as well just kill myself tonight
I don't want to
But I don't see any other way

Fresh Start

I deleted all of my previous 124 posts from February-Present so that way I could have a blank slate for the last remaining days of the year & a pretty new place to start from when the first day arrives. And plus I hate re-reading past posts. It makes me feel icky.

I started working on my own tonight. I'm pretty stoked on it. I can clean all night and listen to my music while doing so... and then plug my ipod into my car when I am leaving and listen to my music on the way to the next place. I can stop to pee when I want. I can roll down the windows & smoke a cigarette & not feel bad about the smoke and cold. I now have a elderly vacuum in my backseat along with a dream supply of cleaning stuff. Getting paid ten dollars an hour to do my sexist things I'm supposed to do.

On Friday I will be heading to Port Clinton, since I'm not even going to bother to get in while underage at the Dopamines show in Cinci. But I'll be going to Cinci next Friday for fun times. I already have like, 5 or 6 things I'm excited about for 2011. Let's hope that list keeps getting longer!